Recently, I discussed the value of investing in yourself - putting time and money into improving you, not building assets. Today, we'll look at one area of investing in yourself as part of an ongoing series on the topic, spread out once per weekday over two weeks. If you'd like to review all the entries, look at the investing in yourself subcategory.

    I'm a rather introverted person. When I'm in a group of people, my gut instinct is to clam up, be quiet, and sink into the woodwork （unless, of course, I'm very comfortable with most of the group）. It takes genuine effort for me to speak up in a group situation, and for much of my adult life I simply wouldn't do it. I'd just sit there, waiting for someone else to talk and quite often not engaging at all.

    This antisocial streak was hindering me, and I knew it. A large group of friends and associates are incredibly valuable to have - they can provide support to you in countless ways and you can provide support back to them as well. By sitting there like a bump on a log, not only was I not actively working towards building friendships and relationships, I was actually sending off a negative vibe to people.

    There were two books that really turned things around for me: Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People and Keith Ferrazzi's Never Eat Alone. These books actually have a lot in common - they both focus on how exactly to effectively interact with other people. Carnegie's book focuses on the actual interactions themselves - how do you actually step up and converse with someone? Ferrazzi's book continues that thought - how do you build a conversation into a relationship that has value? They're both filled with very specific tips that you can start applying right off the bat.

    With that information in hand, I had a good idea of what to do - I just needed to get started doing it. Here are some direct actions you can take to start investing in building a network of friends and acquaintances that actually have value, both to you and to the person you're connected to.

    Engage in activities that enable a lot of interactions with a lot of people.

    The first step is to simply meet people whose interests overlap with your own. Sure, you may know people through work, but that's only the tip of the iceberg - there are many, many people out there to meet, to know, and to develop friendships and relationships with. Here are some tips for getting out that front door.

    Identify social activities that mesh with your interests. Like reading books? Join a book club. Like outdoor activities? Join an outdoor club. Curious about the community? Go to any sort of community activity - check at city hall for the community calendar. Obsessed with your career? Go to meetings and conventions related to your professional area. Join Meetups for any activity of interest to you. Most large cities offer a lot of opportunity to explore whatever interest you may have.

    Don't give up on it after just one meeting. The biggest mistake that people make when joining a potentially interesting group is that they give up when they go to the first meeting, the people there already seem to know each other, and there are ongoing things that they're not familiar with. Give it a few meetings. Ask questions if you don't know what's going on. Don't just assume that you'll immediately be part of any ongoing social circle at this group - give it time to happen.

    Don't be afraid to be the first to talk - but don't be the only one talking.

    One intense challenge for me is to know how to deal with a group of people when no one is talking. Everyone's experienced them - those periods of silence when no one has quite yet taken the initiative to start a conversation or to bring up a new topic. That's the perfect time to get a new conversation rolling and to be noticed by others, so take advantage of it. Here are some tips.

    Realize that everyone else is probably feeling as uncomfortable as you are. If there's a silence in the room, it's probably a good indication that many of the people there don't know what to say next and are feeling some of your discomfort. By stepping up and getting the ball rolling, you often attract a positive response from others.

    If all else fails, ask a contextual question. Most of the time, I don't know what to say, so I'll use what's going on as the context for a question. I'll ask a question about the group itself, the event we're engaged in, the book the book club is reading, or so on. If you're in a very small group, current events can be a good topic to break the silence.

    If you notice you're the only one talking, it's probably time to give someone else an opportunity. In other words, trim your point to a close and try to finish by encouraging someone else to talk. One good way to do that is to finish with a "What do you all think?"

    Ask questions.

    The most effective way I've found to get a conversation going or to continue it is to get a person to talk about themselves. The easiest way to pull off that trick is to ask a question - create a situation where it makes social sense for that person to begin discussing themselves. Here's some advice on how to do that.

    Ask a question that the person would feel comfortable answering. If you're in a book club, questions about the book you're reading are always fair game. If they've brought up their children or family, cursory and positive questions about that topic are fair, too. In general, questions that are positive in tone and aren't too personal are always worthwhile. Compliment someone, for example, and ask where they got that item or idea.

    Listen to the responses. Listen to what they're saying. Try to understand their viewpoint and experiences - they're going to be different than your own. If you find yourself getting bored, then you're either discussing a topic that truly doesn't interest you or you're not clicking with that person, which is fine, but the first step to a positive connection is to listen to what they say and try to figure out what they mean.

    Use the responses for follow-up questions if you don't have a compelling idea of your own to interject. If you don't know how to respond to what they've just said, figure out the part that's troubling you and turn it into a question again, allowing them to explain further. It not only clearly shows that you're listening and are engaged, but it gives the person a greater chance to expound their thoughts in a positive light.

    Focus on the people that interest you.

    There are going to be people you are uncomfortable interacting with, either for obvious reasons or for reasons you can't quite put your finger on. You don't have to interact with them. Instead, focus on the people who give you a positive feeling - people who click with you and engage you. These people will be much more likely to build up an actual relationship with you, whether it be a friendship or a business relationship. Here are some tips.

    At first, interact with a lot of people. Listen to who's talking and figure out which people are actually interesting to you. When you see people standing alone and not talking, talk to them. When there's a group talking, listen in. Spend some time interacting with as many people as you can. The reason is to figure out which ones you may click with.

    Gravitate gradually towards the people you find most interesting. It might be the person talking the most at the center of the room, or it might be the person sitting quietly off to the side. Keep conversing with the people that click with you. Don't be afraid to move on if they exhibit behaviors that make you uncomfortable.

    Once you've narrowed it down, focus on building up ties with the people that fit best with you. Exchange contact information with one or two of them if it feels like you might really have something in common. If that doesn't feel appropriate yet, just make sure that you have opportunities to meet those people again at other, similar events - come to the next group meeting, for example.

    Follow up.

    If you've actually traded contact information with someone in a genuine fashion, meaning that it was because of a desire to actually further exchange ideas, follow up. Don't just let it dry there on the vine. I usually try to contact new people I've met once every few weeks - for example, I recently was elected to a community board, so I'm slowly putting forth an effort to get to know everyone on that board.

    Wait a bit, then make a contact. I usually find that for most people, a follow up email that's non-fluffy is worthwhile. I try to recall what we've talked about （I usually jot it down on the back of whatever contact info I get）, do some research on the topic, and continue the conversation in some regard. I always make sure to include a reminder of who I am as well, usually starting it off that way （"This is Trent Hamm. We met recently at the Smith's fire benefit dinner and we discussed some changes in the town's sidewalk policy…"）.

    If they don't respond back, don't push it. Just wait for another opportunity to meet that person in a social environment and chat about it. Quite often, people intend to respond but just get busy with things - it's often not a snub. However, you should make sure not to make yourself a nuisance.

    If you can easily do a favor for someone, do it. Quite often, opportunities will come up where someone is in obvious need of a helping hand. If you have the opportunity to help out, especially if it's easy for you, do so. Helping out the people around you is the single best thing you can do to build a solid relationship with the people you're helping - plus, you get the opportunity to make someone else's life better.

    Dabble in hosting social events.

    One great opportunity to build and cement relationships and friendships is to host small social gatherings. I'm pretty partial to the dinner party or barbecue, myself - inviting people into your home and serving them food is a great way to get people to open up and connect to each other.

    Invite a diversity of people. If you have a gathering, it's good to invite people who do know each other and people who don't. I usually try to keep the number small and make sure that everyone there knows at least someone else besides me, but ideally not everyone knows everyone else. If you don't know that many people, just invite who you know and keep the number relatively low.

    Try very hard to accept any reciprocal invitations. If you get invited in return, make a special effort to go to that event. Social invitations are more valuable than you think and they're often a sign of acceptance into a larger group. Make an effort to go to any invite you get, especially if it's the first one.

    Keep the communication going - don't let it die off.

    Once you've built a connection with someone, don't let it fall apart because you're too busy. It only takes a few minutes every once in a while to keep a relationship healthy, so take the time to do it.

    Keep in contact regularly - a handwritten note on a special occasion is a great way to do it. Send out New Year's/winter seasonal cards to everyone you can, with a quick handwritten note inside greeting them. One year, I made up almost three hundred of these and it was worth the effort. Similarly, if you find out someone's made a career change, bought a house, got married, or had a child, make sure that you pop a handwritten note and perhaps a small gift their way.

    Send quick emails semi-regularly. Some people do this with their cell phone, but I find that to be kind of intrusive for just touching base with someone. I often use a quick personally-written email just asking how they're doing and maybe delivering a few sentences on what I'm up to or what's currently interesting to me. I don't do this too regularly - every few months or so - but it does a great job of helping a relationship to not wither and die over a long period of time.

    The real key, though, is to build a solid number of meaningful relationships and friendships and make sure they don't wither - these are the people who you support and will support you when you need it. The first step is up to you.

    最近，我討論了自我投資的價值-花時間和金錢在完善你自己上，而不是購買資產(chǎn)。今天，我們先來看看自我投資的其中一方面，這也是將要開始的有關(guān)這個主題的系列文章的一部分。這一主題在這兩周的每個工作日會推出一篇文章。如果你想回顧全部的文章，請查看"自我投資"目錄下。

    我是個十分內(nèi)向的人。當我身處眾人之間，我的本能反應(yīng)是閉上嘴，保持安靜，避免引起別人注意（當然，如果我與其中的大部分人都能相處自如就不一樣了）.我必須非常努力的說服自己才能讓自己當眾發(fā)表講話，而在我成人后的大多數(shù)時間中，我總是不自覺的避免這樣做。我總是呆坐在那，等著別人走上前來和我說話，即使這樣我也經(jīng)常無法投入對話中。

    這一不合群的性格經(jīng)常妨礙我，我也認識到了這點。擁有很多朋友與伙伴的價值是無法估量的--他們能夠以無數(shù)種方式向你提供幫助，而你也能相應(yīng)的幫助他們。呆坐著讓我不僅無法積極的去建立朋友及伙伴關(guān)系，也讓會讓別人對我產(chǎn)生負面的想法。

    兩本書改變了我：Dale Carnegie的《如何贏得朋友及影響別人》，Keith Ferrazzi的《別獨自一人吃飯》。這兩本書有許多共同點--他們都關(guān)注于如何有效的與別人進行溝通。Garnegie的書著重于實際溝通本身--如何確實的與別人建立聯(lián)系和進行交談。Ferrazzi的書則做了進一步闡述--如何從一次溝通發(fā)展到有價值的伙伴關(guān)系。兩本書中都充滿了你可以立即應(yīng)用的詳細的技巧。

    有了這些信息后，我就知道自己下一步該怎么做了--我要做的就是去實施它們。下面就是一些具體的行動指導(dǎo)，你可以按此去做來建立一個真正有價值的朋友和熟人圈子，它的價值不僅是對你，對與你交往的人也是同樣。

    積極參與到能夠給你許多與他人進行交流溝通的機會的活動中

    第一步很簡單，就是創(chuàng)造機會和那些與你的興趣愛好有交集的人會面。當然，你通過自己的工作就能認識不少，但那只是冰山一角--除此之外還有許許多多的人你應(yīng)該去會面、結(jié)識、發(fā)展友誼和緊密的關(guān)系。有許多技巧可以幫助你實現(xiàn)這點。

    找到那些正好適合你興趣愛好的社交活動。喜歡讀書？不妨加入讀書俱樂部。喜歡戶外活動？不妨加入戶外俱樂部。對社區(qū)生活感到好奇？不妨去參加任意一種社區(qū)活動--可以到市政廳查看社區(qū)日程安排。熱愛你的職業(yè)？參加與你的專業(yè)領(lǐng)域有關(guān)的會議和展會。參與Meetups網(wǎng)站上提供的與你感興趣的活動。幾乎所有的大城市都能提供許多這樣的機會，讓你能夠進一步探索你擁有的任何愛好。

    不要僅僅參加一次就放棄。人們在參加那些可能會感興趣的小組時往往會犯的最大錯誤就是在第一次參加之后就放棄。小組中的其他人都相互熟識，而自己卻對其中正在進行的事情毫無認識。讓自己多參加幾次。如果你不知道別人正在做什么，就開口詢問。別假設(shè)自己會立即成為小組中正在進行的社交活動的一部分--需要時間來讓它發(fā)生。

    不要害怕成為第一個發(fā)言的--但不要做唯一說話的人

    對我來說，最重要的挑戰(zhàn)之一就是如何處理冷場的情況。幾乎每個人都經(jīng)歷過那樣的沉默--沒人要主動開始交流或開始一個新話題。這實際是你不應(yīng)放過的好機會，你可以開始一個新的話題，讓其他人開始注意你。下面是一些技巧。

    你要知道，可能其他人也都和你一樣對此感到不適應(yīng)。如果房間里變得沉默，這也許是一個非常明顯的征兆，即那里的大多數(shù)人都不知道接下來該說什么，并且和你一樣感到不自在。只要你向前一步，打破冷場，往往就能從別人那得到積極的回應(yīng)。

    如果別的方法都不行，不妨就問一個銜接性的問題。很多次，當我不知道該說什么，我就會問"接下來做什么".我會問有關(guān)這個小組自身的問題，有關(guān)正在進行中的活動，如讀書俱樂部里正在閱讀的書，等等。如果你所在的小組很小，有關(guān)目前正在進行的活動的問題是個很好的，可以用來打破沉默的話題。

    如果你發(fā)現(xiàn)自己是唯一在不停說話的人，也許就該給別人一些機會了。也就是說，你應(yīng)該總結(jié)你的話題，并在結(jié)束時爭取鼓勵另外的人開始討論。比如說用"你們怎么想？"來結(jié)尾就是個不錯的方式。

    問問題

    我找到的最有效的開始交流和讓它繼續(xù)下去的方法就是讓對方談?wù)撍麄冏约�。達到這個目的的最有效途徑就是問問題--創(chuàng)造一個讓別人開始談?wù)撍鼈冏约旱纳缃磺榫�。這里有一些如何去做的建議。

    問對方能夠輕松回答的問題。如果你在讀書俱樂部里，問有關(guān)你們正在讀的書的問題可以算是公平游戲。如果他們帶著他們的孩子或家人來參加，有關(guān)家人的簡略和正面的問題也很恰當�？傊�，那些帶著正面語氣以及不過于私人的問題都是可以的。比方說，贊美別人的服飾或想法，并詢問他們在哪買的或如何想到的。

    傾聽對方的回應(yīng)。傾聽別人是如怎么說的。試著理解他們的觀點和經(jīng)驗--他們是與你不同的。如果你覺得枯燥乏味，那說明你要么是在討論一項你確實不感興趣的主題，要么就是你與那人實在沒有共同語言。那樣并沒關(guān)系，不過達成積極的聯(lián)系的第一步就是傾聽對方所說的，并理解對方的意思。

    如果你沒法想出一個有趣的話題來插入交談，不妨從別人的回應(yīng)中找到自己想問的問題。如果你不知道該怎么回應(yīng)別人說的內(nèi)容，想想其中那些部分讓你困擾，把這作為一個問題再次提出，讓別人為你進一步解答。這樣做不僅清晰的表明你在你正在傾聽并積極的投入，而且給別人一個很好的機會，積極的為你仔細解釋他們的想法。

    關(guān)注于那些讓你感興趣的人

    總有些人，當你與他們交往時會感到不自在，理由可能很明顯，也可能沒有明確的理由。那你就不必非要與他們交往。而是應(yīng)該專注于那些讓你感覺不錯的人--那些與你很合拍而且也吸引你的人。那樣的人更有可能與你建立真正的關(guān)系，無論那是一種朋友關(guān)系，或是商業(yè)關(guān)系。這里有一些相關(guān)的技巧。

    首先，你要和許多人進行交流。傾聽他們的談話，找出那些真正吸引你的人。當你看到某人獨自站著，沒在和別人談話，不妨走上前和他交談。當別人在進行小組交流時，認真的傾聽他們�；ㄐ�時間和盡可能多的人交流。這樣做你才能找到那些與你合拍的人。

    慢慢的接近那些你最感興趣的人。他也許是處于圈子中心，與別人交談最多的人，或者是那個安靜的坐在旁邊的人。同那些與你投緣的人多交流。如果他們表現(xiàn)出讓你感覺不舒服的行為，不用擔心，換一個就是了。

    當你把自己對其感興趣的人數(shù)降到一定程度，就該將注意力放在與那些最符合你要求的人建立密切聯(lián)系上。如果你感覺與其中的一到兩個人有共同的興趣，不妨與他們交換聯(lián)系方式。如果感覺還不適合這樣做，不妨和對方確認你仍然能在別的類似場合中見到對方--比如說參加下一次的團體聚會。

    采取進一步行動

    如果你們已經(jīng)通過某種切實可靠的方式交換過聯(lián)系信息了，那意味著你們確實有著進一步交流的愿望，那就跟進吧。別浪費機會。我一般每隔幾周就嘗試和那些新認識的人聯(lián)系--比如我最近被選為某個通信委員會的委員，我就正在一步一步的努力去結(jié)識委員會中的每個人。

    等一段時間，然后主動發(fā)出聯(lián)絡(luò)。我發(fā)現(xiàn)對大多數(shù)人來說，一封不那么空洞的后續(xù)聯(lián)系郵件還是有價值的。我在寫郵件前會努力回想我們曾討論的話題（我通常會在我得到的聯(lián)系信息紙片后草草記下這些內(nèi)容）,對這些話題做點研究，并對此作出進一步的交流。此外，我通常也會在信中說明我是誰，以這樣的方式開始（"我是Trent Hamm.我們在史密斯先生的慈善晚會上見過面，在那我們就有關(guān)城市人行道的政策交流過……"）

    如果對方?jīng)]有回信，別催促他們。等下一次你們在另一個社交場合見面的機會再討論。很多時候，對方是愿意回應(yīng)的，只是事情太多--而不是不愿理睬你。因此，你不要因過分積極而令別人感到厭煩。

    如果舉手之勞就能幫到別人，別猶豫。我們常會遇到旁人顯然需要幫助的時候。如果你恰好處于能夠給予幫助的位置上，特別當這么做對你只是舉手之勞時，你應(yīng)該毫不猶豫的這么做。幫助周圍的人是你能找到的，使你能與被幫助的人建立牢固關(guān)系的最好的方法。同時，你還獲得了幫助別人過得更好的機會。

    嘗試組織社交活動。

    組織小的社交聚會是建立和保持關(guān)系與友誼的一個極好方法。我自己就很愿意參加各樣的晚餐會和燒烤聚會-邀請其他人到你家聚餐是讓大家敞開胸懷，建立聯(lián)系的極好辦法。

    邀請不同類型的人。如果你組織了一個聚會，最好是既邀請那些相互認識的，也邀請一些與其他人不熟的人。我通常邀請較少的人，并確保他們都認識除我之外至少一個人，但不會全部相互認識。如果你不認識那么多人，不妨只邀請你認識的，并保持較低的人數(shù)。

    努力去響應(yīng)回請。如果你得到一個被回請的機會，盡量去參加。社交邀請比你想的要重要，它們常常意味著被一個大社團接納。對于任何你收到的邀請，最好都盡力去赴約，特別是你第一次收到某人的邀請時。

    保持聯(lián)系，別讓它慢慢中斷

    一旦你建立了與某人的聯(lián)系，別讓它只因為你很忙就慢慢中斷。你只要偶爾花上幾分鐘就能讓你們之間的關(guān)系保持健康，別吝嗇那點時間。

    定期和對方聯(lián)系--特定時節(jié)里送給對方一張手寫的便條是個很有效的方法。只要可能，給每個你認識的人發(fā)新年或圣誕節(jié)賀卡，卡里寫上簡潔的祝賀字句。每年，我要制作300封這樣的賀卡，這些努力都是非常值得的。同樣的思路，如果你知道某人換了工作，置了新宅，結(jié)婚或添了小寶貝，別忘了給他們發(fā)出一封手寫的賀信，也許還加上一個小禮物。

    保持每個季度發(fā)給聯(lián)系人一些簡短的郵件。有些人通過短信的方式這么做，但我覺得這樣做有點冒犯。我通常自己寫一封簡短的郵件，問問對方正在忙什么，同時也會寫點有關(guān)我自己正在做的和感興趣的事情。我不會時常這么做--一般是幾個月一次的樣子--但這樣已經(jīng)足以避免由于時間太長不聯(lián)絡(luò)而導(dǎo)致關(guān)系削弱和中斷。

    不過，真正的關(guān)鍵是建立一定數(shù)量的有意義的關(guān)系和友誼，并確保它們穩(wěn)固--那是些你會支持，同時當你需要時，也會支持你的人。第一步必須由你開始。