手機(jī)版
Patricia and Marty Weber were in their walk-in closet one evening, getting dressed for a party, chitchatting about their day, when Ms. Weber made a casual request: 'Honey, I really don't want to be there all night. Can we leave after an hour or so?'
Her husband's response? He took off his tie, threw it on the ground and shouted, 'Just forget the whole thing! We won't go at all!'
Here's an observation: The most complicated marriages may be those between Innies and Outies -- those who like to stay in and those who like to go out. Ask the Webers. He is an extravert. He loves to talk, gather groups of people around him and attend endless brunches, happy hours and networking events. His wife, an introvert, enjoys parties in short doses but prefers to be home reading or spending time with her dog.
Many people believe that introverts, by definition, are shy and extraverts are outgoing. This is incorrect. Introverts and extraverts differ in how they process information. Introverts get their energy internally. Extraverts -- spelled that way in psychology circles -- gain energy from being with other people, often the more the merrier.
There are shy extraverts and outgoing introverts. Most of us have a little of both in us, but lean one way or the other.
Introverts often prefer to spend time alone or in small groups of people, and they tend to carefully gather their thoughts before they speak. Extraverts love to talk and typically 'think out loud,' processing information by talking.
You don't need a degree in psychology to see how this could cause serious problems in a relationship. Introverts and extraverts approach the world in fundamentally different ways. Introverts think extraverts talk too fast, too loud and too much. Extraverts often believe introverts are awkward, withholding or cold.
Facebook, Twitter and other sites that help us stay connected 24/7 are heightening the differences. In today's social-media driven world, it's getting easier for introverts to speak on their own terms, yet it's also getting harder to turn the extraverts off.
The population is split pretty much evenly between introverts and extraverts, according to psychologist Laurie Helgoe, assistant clinical professor at the West Virginia School of Medicine and author of 'Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength.' In a 1998 study conducted by the Center for Applications of Psychological Type (the folks who run the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test), 51% of some 3,000 subjects who were randomly sampled and tested were introverts. In a smaller study in 2001, 57% were introverts. Introverts were pretty evenly split between males and females, too.
The Webers wrestled with their different introversion-extraversion styles. Earlier in their marriage, Ms. Weber, a 62-year-old business coach from Williamsburg, Va., would often become irritated that her husband went out almost every night of the week, sometimes failing to make it home for dinner. (He was an early cellphone user, and she would call on his big, clunky model to berate him.)
Mr. Weber often invited other couples to join them on their weekly 'date night.' His boss once told him his wife needed to socialize more with other executives' wives if he was going to continue to climb the corporate ladder. 'This has been the biggest conflict in our relationship,' says Mr. Weber, 61, an employee-benefits consultant and broker.
The night of the argument, Ms. Weber felt her husband had misunderstood. 'I wasn't saying I didn't want to go to the event,' she says. 'I was just trying to prepare him that I didn't want to stay all night.' They went to the party but on the way there she said, 'Don't be alarmed if I disappear to the bathroom for 20 minutes. I will need to recharge.'
In brain-imaging studies, brains of introverts show more activity in response to external stimuli. This could explain why introverts feel the need to regulate the amount of stimulation coming in. In contrast, extravert brains show more activity in areas related to pleasure-seeking. They find social interactions fun and are driven to create them.
When someone speaks to an introvert, her brain responds with a high level of activity. 'It is as if several lights start flashing on a control panel,' says Dr. Helgoe. The introvert needs to turn inward. If the other person keeps talking, the introvert can become distracted from her mental process and feel overwhelmed.
When introverts and extraverts converse, 'what looks like communication can actually be a problem,' says Dr. Helgoe. The introvert is quiet and appears to be listening; the extravert takes this as a cue to keep talking. 'The introvert may shut out the extravert, perhaps while silently nodding, or stop trying to contribute,' she says. The extravert needs to learn to slow down, but the introvert needs to learn to speak up.
Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist whose work was the inspiration for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, believed we are drawn to people different from us so that we can learn from them. But Dr. Helgoe says this theory has been largely debunked. Recent research shows marital satisfaction is related to personality similarity. 'Opposites might initially attract,' she says, 'but they can start to repel, if not identified and worked with, over time.'
Tuesday is the Webers' 41st wedding anniversary. It took two decades, they say, but they finally learned to cope with their vastly different styles. Sometimes, they will drive to social events in different cars, so Ms. Weber can leave early if she wants. Mr. Weber goes to a happy hour after work one night a week without his wife.
They also spend every Saturday apart. He meets pals early at Starbucks, stops in at another coffee shop mid-morning to say hi to more friends and gathers a crowd at a local pub for lunch. She stays home and reads, calls her parents, catches up on email and walks the dog.
'Both of you have to mellow out and find what works for you,' say Ms. Weber.
參考譯文：
一天晚上，帕翠西亞•韋伯和馬蒂•韋伯夫婦在自家的衣帽間里一邊閑聊白天發(fā)生的事，一邊準(zhǔn)備穿戴赴宴。這時(shí)，帕翠西亞隨口提了一句，“親愛(ài)的，我真的不想整個(gè)晚上都耗在那兒。我們可以待一小時(shí)左右就走嗎？”
她的丈夫是如何回應(yīng)的呢？他扯下領(lǐng)帶扔到地上，大聲喊道，“忘了這回事兒吧！我們干脆不去就是了！”
有一種說(shuō)法：或許最為復(fù)雜的婚姻狀況，莫過(guò)于一個(gè)內(nèi)向的人和一個(gè)外向的人的結(jié)合──往往一方喜歡宅在家中，另一方卻愛(ài)外出交往。我們不妨來(lái)看看韋伯夫婦的情況。先生是個(gè)外向的人，他熱衷交談，喜歡讓一大群人圍在自己身邊，無(wú)休止地參加各種早午餐會(huì)、下班后的快樂(lè)休閑活動(dòng)和社交晚宴。而他的夫人是個(gè)內(nèi)向的人，雖然她也樂(lè)意參加些時(shí)間不長(zhǎng)的派對(duì)，但更愿在家里讀讀書(shū)，或同自己的狗狗共處。
很多人認(rèn)為，內(nèi)向型人格的定義就是害羞，而外向型人格就是開(kāi)朗。這并不正確。內(nèi)向者和外向者真正的區(qū)別，在于他們處理資訊的方式。內(nèi)向者憑藉自身獲得能量；而外向者則通過(guò)與他人交往來(lái)獲取能量，往往人越多他們就越快活。
也有害羞的外向型人格和開(kāi)朗的內(nèi)向型人格。我們大多數(shù)人都是兩者兼?zhèn)涞�，但�?huì)傾向于其中一種。
內(nèi)向的人通常更愿獨(dú)處或只與一小群人交往，他們傾向于在開(kāi)口前先仔細(xì)理清自己的思路；而外向的人喜愛(ài)交談，尤其喜歡“大聲地思考”，通過(guò)交談來(lái)處理資訊。
即便你不是心理學(xué)專(zhuān)業(yè)的，也可想見(jiàn)這種差異在一段婚姻關(guān)系里可能造成怎樣嚴(yán)重的問(wèn)題。從待人接物到認(rèn)知世界，內(nèi)向人群和外向人群的行為方式是完完全全不相同的。于是內(nèi)向的人會(huì)覺(jué)得外向的人講話太快、太吵又太多；而外向的人經(jīng)常覺(jué)得內(nèi)向的人難以溝通、太保守或太冷淡。
像Facebook、Twitter和其他那些幫我們可以全天候保持聯(lián)系的網(wǎng)站，正在使內(nèi)向與外向人群之間的差異擴(kuò)大化。在今天這個(gè)“社會(huì)媒體”（social-media）主導(dǎo)的世界里，內(nèi)向的人變得更容易自說(shuō)自話；而要讓外向的人閉上嘴巴，也越發(fā)難辦了。
心理學(xué)家勞瑞•赫爾戈（Laurie Helgoe）認(rèn)為，內(nèi)向人群和外向人群的數(shù)量是均等的。赫爾戈是西佛吉尼亞大學(xué)醫(yī)學(xué)院（West Virginia School of Medicine）的助理臨床教授，著有《內(nèi)向的能量：為何內(nèi)心世界就是你潛藏的力量》（Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength）一書(shū)。1998年，心理類(lèi)型理論應(yīng)用中心（Center for Applications of Psychological Type，就是用“邁爾斯-布里格斯性格類(lèi)型指標(biāo)”（Myers-Briggs Type Indicator）做人格測(cè)試的那家機(jī)構(gòu)）的一項(xiàng)研究指出，在大約3000名隨機(jī)抽取的測(cè)試對(duì)象當(dāng)中，有51%為內(nèi)向型人格。而在2001年進(jìn)行的一次較小規(guī)模的測(cè)試中，內(nèi)向人群的占比達(dá)到了57%。此外，在內(nèi)向人群內(nèi)部，男女比例也趨于對(duì)等。
韋伯夫婦一直在與他們倆性格上的這種內(nèi)外向差異做著斗爭(zhēng)。在他們結(jié)婚的頭幾年，韋伯夫人（現(xiàn)年62歲，是弗吉尼亞州威廉斯堡的一名企業(yè)教練）對(duì)于丈夫在一周里幾乎每晚外出、有時(shí)甚至不能回家吃飯，經(jīng)常感到十分惱火。（韋伯先生很早就開(kāi)始使用手機(jī)，于是韋伯夫人會(huì)一個(gè)電話打到丈夫那只巨大而笨重的“大哥大”上，嚴(yán)厲責(zé)備一番）。
韋伯先生（現(xiàn)年61歲，是一名員工福利咨詢(xún)顧問(wèn)及保險(xiǎn)經(jīng)紀(jì)）經(jīng)常邀請(qǐng)其他夫婦來(lái)家里，參加他們每周的“聚會(huì)之夜”。他的老板有一次告訴他，如果他還想繼續(xù)升職的話，他的妻子就需要同其他高管夫人加強(qiáng)交往。韋伯先生說(shuō)，“這一直是我們關(guān)系當(dāng)中最大的矛盾。”
發(fā)生爭(zhēng)論的那個(gè)晚上，韋伯夫人覺(jué)得丈夫誤解了自己的意思。她說(shuō)，“我不是說(shuō)我不想?yún)⒓幽莻�(gè)活動(dòng)，我只是試著讓他心里有數(shù)，我不想整晚都待在那兒。”他們后來(lái)還是去了那個(gè)聚會(huì)，但在路上韋伯夫人說(shuō)，“如果我去了洗手間20分鐘還沒(méi)回來(lái)，不要擔(dān)心。我只是需要休整一下。”
對(duì)大腦成像的研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，內(nèi)向者的大腦對(duì)于“外部刺激”表現(xiàn)出較為活躍的反應(yīng)。這就能解釋為何內(nèi)向的人會(huì)感到，需要控制外來(lái)的刺激量。而相比之下，在受到外部刺激時(shí)，外向者的大腦只有和“尋找愉悅感”相關(guān)的區(qū)域會(huì)很活躍，他們認(rèn)為社會(huì)交往是有趣的事，于是會(huì)主動(dòng)創(chuàng)造這些機(jī)會(huì)。
當(dāng)有人對(duì)內(nèi)向者講話時(shí)，她的大腦會(huì)高度活躍地對(duì)此做出回應(yīng)。赫爾戈博士說(shuō)，“就好像一塊控制臺(tái)上有幾盞燈開(kāi)始閃爍起來(lái)。”而內(nèi)向者是需要不時(shí)返回自己的內(nèi)心世界的。如果對(duì)方一直講個(gè)不停，內(nèi)向的人就會(huì)變得心煩意亂，感到不知所措。
赫爾戈博士說(shuō)，當(dāng)內(nèi)向的人與外向的人交談的時(shí)候，“看似在交流，事實(shí)上可能存在著問(wèn)題。”內(nèi)向的人會(huì)很安靜，看起來(lái)似乎一直在傾聽(tīng)，外向的人就將此當(dāng)作了繼續(xù)講話的信號(hào)。她說(shuō)，“內(nèi)向者也許會(huì)沉默地點(diǎn)頭或不再多說(shuō)什么話，其實(shí)內(nèi)心已經(jīng)在排斥外向者的講話了。”外向者需要學(xué)會(huì)放慢語(yǔ)速，而內(nèi)向者則要學(xué)習(xí)自我表達(dá)。
瑞士心理學(xué)家卡爾•榮格（Carl Jung）的著作啟發(fā)了“邁爾斯-布里格斯性格類(lèi)型指標(biāo)”的創(chuàng)生。榮格認(rèn)為，我們會(huì)被與自己不同的人所吸引，這樣就可以從他們身上學(xué)到新東西。但赫爾戈博士說(shuō)，這個(gè)理論已經(jīng)遭到了很多人的反對(duì)。近期的研究表明，婚姻滿(mǎn)意程度和（夫妻二人的）性格相似度有關(guān)。她說(shuō)，“相反的性格特征最初可能具有吸引力，但是時(shí)間一長(zhǎng)，如果沒(méi)有注意到個(gè)中問(wèn)題并努力糾正，雙方可能就會(huì)開(kāi)始相互排斥、反感。”
周二是韋伯夫婦的四十一周年結(jié)婚紀(jì)念日。他們說(shuō)，他們用了二十年時(shí)間才最終學(xué)會(huì)了協(xié)調(diào)雙方巨大的性格差異。有時(shí)候，他們會(huì)各自開(kāi)車(chē)去參加社交活動(dòng)，這樣韋伯夫人就可以按照自己的心意提前離開(kāi)。韋伯先生每周有一個(gè)晚上可以不陪妻子、盡享下班后的快樂(lè)時(shí)光。
他們的每個(gè)周六也是分開(kāi)過(guò)的。韋伯先生會(huì)先去星巴克見(jiàn)見(jiàn)老朋友們，晌午時(shí)分轉(zhuǎn)戰(zhàn)另一家咖啡館和更多朋友會(huì)面，然后再拉上一幫子人到當(dāng)?shù)匾患揖瓢沙晕顼�。而韋伯夫人則會(huì)待在家中讀書(shū)，給父母打個(gè)電話，收發(fā)電子郵件，再遛遛狗。
韋伯夫人說(shuō)，“兩個(gè)人都得放松心態(tài)，找到適合自己的方式。”
